its been a while...

its been a while for a reason. i keep not posting because i have nothing happy or exciting to say. but that's not realistic. life is not all fun and games.

justin has a back injury and is consumed with his pain. it is never ending and continually reaches new levels in that it now affects his left leg and causes him so much pain that he often limps. he (halfway) jokes about getting a cane.

this "injury" of sorts has completely invaded our lives. it has changed everything. he no longer thinks about finishing my mom's bathroom, taking the dogs out for walks, hanging out with me. all he thinks about is when is the next dr's appointment, our insurance wont' kick in till may first, this medicine does no good, etc.

its insane. surely this sort of thing really isn't happening to me, right? even my parents were married for several years before daddy was diagnosed with his disease. and yet here we are.

i am miserable. i continually wallow in my misery. i put off housework. i don't cook regular meals. i cry a lot. i thought that when my dad passed away, i was done with the struggle of living with a person who was in so much pain everyday that it changed him.

its almost funny to think back to conversations with my brother, peter, about how we were scared that God was preparing us for something even worse in the future. how we thought that for sure it couldn't be, but we both had the feeling. but now that this scenario is actually being played out, it is anything but funny. it is miserable.

i feel like i'm not married- that i have a permanent roommate. i rarely spend time with him that is not owned by his affliction. i even get mad at him sometimes for it. and that's just not fair.

i have been so busy feeling sorry for myself, i have neglected to look to the Lord for help. He's been here all along, just waiting for me to ask. how dumb of me. i'm so glad that His love is independent of me.

so that is why i haven't been on here in a while. i apologize for the depressing read, but i really ask that everyone pray for us. we need it so much right now.


dave & rachel said...

Oh Beth, your post brought tears to my eyes. My heart just goes out to you. That sounds so difficult, and I wish I could be there to give you a hug. I will pray for you, that the Lord will give your husband some relief from this and that He will turn your heart to Him to TRUST.

The Lord is not out to get you, dearie! He loves you, and you can be assured that the things He allows in your life are to grow you into the person He wants you to be. Of course you know all this, but in the difficult times, all comfort leaves, doesn't it? I think you have the right idea - run to the Lord, read, read, read - put up verses all over your house to remind yourself of the truth of
God's Word. None of us are strong enough to face difficult times without the strength of the Lord!

I can't...I can barely face the good days without Him. :)

2 Corinthians 4:17 reminds us that our affliction is "but for a moment" and is working in us to bring about His glory. Your life can be a testimony to the grace of God, Beth. It already is! I'm sure it was beyond difficult to watch your dad suffer the way he did. It had a impact on my life though - your family always encouraged me to trust in the Lord more. Just wanted you to know. :)

I can understand why you feel the way you do though. I'll be praying for you!

Lista said...

Ok, now I know we need to get together for a visit. What's your work schedule like? I'm driving to Wichita on Mondays, which actually puts me not that far from you. When can I come see you? I know a little teeny bit about hard times, and I'm always here as a shoulder to cry on! Love you!!!

bandanachick said...

Oh Beth, you made me cry too. I will be praying for you, I can't imagine what you are going through right now, but I am thankful that the Lord does. He longs to comfort you, in ways you can only imagine now.
Lots of love and prayers to you.

Michelle said...

Wow...I cant imagine how hard this must be, I will be praying for you that God will give you the strength you need to get through this...

Grace said...

Here are some verses the Lord reminded me of this week in a dark moment of questioning God's soveriegnty. I don't know if you will see them the same way or not...

O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. Isaiah 25:1 and

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death... Phillippians 3:7-10

Brooke said...

I don't have any deep thoughts to share with you Beth... I love you.

This quote is one that continues to comfort me:
"'Put thou my tears into Thy bottle: are they not in Thy book?' (Psalm 56:8) The God of measure has counted your tears. He not only knows that you have wept; He knows why you have wept; and it is recorded in His book. The bitter tears of remorse are there. The hot tears of anger are there. The warm tears of love and compassion are there. The flood tears of sorrow, pain and loneliness are there. God cares enough about your tears to keep record of them. One day you will weep your last tear, and He Himself will wipe it away."
J.Boyde Nicholson

I wish that He kept us from all sorrow, but for some reason He doesn't... I guess I just take comfort in knowing that at least He knows EXACTLY what I'm dealing with.

Amy said...

I'm glad you updated because you definitely have something to say. (Even if you don't in the future... update anyway. That's an order, you.)

I don't know what God may or may not have in plan for you, but just because Justin is injured now doesn't mean things are going to get worse or turn into a situation like you had before with your dad. I know how easy it'd be to feel that way, though.

If you need any random ideas for resources I can always bug my friend at the national hotline thing for ideas (for both of you, actually). Call/text me anytime, too. I wish there weremore I could do to help, so let me know if there's anything, even stealing you away for a weekend or something... let me know.

Lista said...

Ok, not the most appropriate place to put it, but I tagged you on my blog! If nothing else, you can read it and laugh at my weirdness!