its been a while...

its been a while for a reason. i keep not posting because i have nothing happy or exciting to say. but that's not realistic. life is not all fun and games.

justin has a back injury and is consumed with his pain. it is never ending and continually reaches new levels in that it now affects his left leg and causes him so much pain that he often limps. he (halfway) jokes about getting a cane.

this "injury" of sorts has completely invaded our lives. it has changed everything. he no longer thinks about finishing my mom's bathroom, taking the dogs out for walks, hanging out with me. all he thinks about is when is the next dr's appointment, our insurance wont' kick in till may first, this medicine does no good, etc.

its insane. surely this sort of thing really isn't happening to me, right? even my parents were married for several years before daddy was diagnosed with his disease. and yet here we are.

i am miserable. i continually wallow in my misery. i put off housework. i don't cook regular meals. i cry a lot. i thought that when my dad passed away, i was done with the struggle of living with a person who was in so much pain everyday that it changed him.

its almost funny to think back to conversations with my brother, peter, about how we were scared that God was preparing us for something even worse in the future. how we thought that for sure it couldn't be, but we both had the feeling. but now that this scenario is actually being played out, it is anything but funny. it is miserable.

i feel like i'm not married- that i have a permanent roommate. i rarely spend time with him that is not owned by his affliction. i even get mad at him sometimes for it. and that's just not fair.

i have been so busy feeling sorry for myself, i have neglected to look to the Lord for help. He's been here all along, just waiting for me to ask. how dumb of me. i'm so glad that His love is independent of me.

so that is why i haven't been on here in a while. i apologize for the depressing read, but i really ask that everyone pray for us. we need it so much right now.