eh

why is it that mostly men are prayed for during prayer meeting?  is it because men are better than women? is it because they have worse problems than women?  no.

i think it is because men are praying.  now, i'm not about to tell you i think women should get up and pray. absolutely not.  i just think that the men should think more about for whom to lift up to our Lord.  women are such the backbone to the body. women are the ones constantly lifting their husbands up, praying for the church. 

tonight, paul anderson and bob watts were prayed for.  paul anderson for safety on the road, and bob watts for healing.   amen to those things. but how about prayer for the safety and wellbeing of mary anderson while she's home alone? how about comfort and strength for janice watts during the trying time of having a sickly spouse?  

perhaps i'm a little sensitive because of my own situation. 

but i'm not being sexist. i'm not thinking in terms of conventional "equality" issues.  and i'm not above thinking that it is simply an issue i have with my own home assembly. 

growing up, all prayers were generally for my dad, his health, his strength.  i don't remember my mom ever being prayed for until near the end.  how is it that she, going through such an enormous struggle, was not lifted up until that point?  why was that not caught earlier?  i remember being puzzled about it then.  i also remember being puzzled about the fact that everyone always asked my mom how my dad was doing, but never how she was doing.  

i was puzzed about those things.  still am.  i'm more empathetic to whatever my mom must've felt now, being a spouse myself of a person not completely well.  and it didn't dawn on me till tonight that it was happening to me now.  

i understand concern and polite conversation.  but let's face it, if something is happening to our spouse, it might as well be happening to us.  we're one flesh, that's how it goes.   we need the support of our spiritual family just as much as from our physical family and our friends.  

i'm not even sure i can wrap this up logically.  my whole point is that we should all think beyond what conventional concern is. we should concern ourselves with spouses, children, parents, all those peripherally involved in a situation. perhaps we are missing someone the Lord is pointing to without pointing to them directly.  

so i've finally decided.  i'm going to do it.  i'm going to go back to school.  

freaky how things change in your head as you get older and "wiser".   i said when i finally finished my associates degree after five years that i was done. i hated school.  i hated taking general courses in which i had no interest whatsoever.  so i got my degree and left with no intention of ever going back. 

i've been assisting in the field of optometry for four years now. i've gotten to the point where i'm bored with what i'm doing.  its no longer challenging, and i never thought i'd think of feel that way.  i've gotten to the point where i feel i'm wasting myself.  its not that i'm the smartest person in the world, or even the most qualified, but i don't want to be a tech at the age of 45.  

so now the question is what to do.  the obvious answer has been to go to optometry school after completing my bachelors.  that avenue presents a few problems.  one is the fact that the only optometry school in oklahoma is in talequa. that's about two and half hours from here.  even if justin is done with school at that point, i'm sure he'll have a job in the city. so we'd have to (1) move to talequa and try to find work for him or (2) i'd have to commute and yeah right i'd be able to work at all while i'm in school.  and what about housing? then we'd have two rent payments.   the other problem with that scenario is that i'm not too keen on ONLY becoming an optometrist.  i really don't feel like refracting day in and day out.  i'd much rather deal with the medical side of the eye, i.e. glaucoma, cataracts, diabetic retinopathy, etc.  in oklahoma, i can treat and provide post-op care for most medical conditions affecting the eye. but ONLY in oklahoma.  (hmmm, i've capitalized only twice now...weird)   also, optometrists are about a dime a dozen here.  to make much money and recoup all the expenses of school, i'd pretty much have to open my own practice. when there's so many optometrists around, man, how would i get ahead?  

so then i'd need to go to medical school and become an opthamologist. so five, six more years. two hundred thousand dollars of debt later, i'd be an md, but at what real cost?   

so you can see my delima.  i keep talking myself out of all possibilities.  i've always had an interest in geology.  so why not try that?  but what course to even try?  then my first love has always been makeup for the stage, either special effects or high fashion.  how do i make any money at that?  i'd have to go to school in another state, probably california or ny to do that.  its all so confusing.  i don't really know what i want to do really.

justin got lucky.  programming found him.  and he's in love with it.  he looks forward to doing his job everyday. he loves his schoolwork (for the most part-you can't love it all).  i'm scared really.  probably of failure, but really because i don't know what i'm good at.  i've always been good at a lot of things, but i've never been great at anything.  kinda like a jack of all trades, master of none. that's me in a nut shell.  

i've enjoyed teaching the class for the school the dr i work for started.  in fact, the next class, i'll probably be working at the institute itself.  so maybe i can get some college credit for cheap...hehe.  but in all reality, i don't think i could deal with teaching people in this capacity forever.  

anyway, just needed to get a few of those thoughts out of my head and onto "paper".